Doogie Howser Did It, So Why Not Me?

Many days I sit around in just my underwear in a complete state of unemployment and complete lack of motivation,and ponder the eventual demise of human society.  Often these scenarios involve such things as, a giant meteor hurling towards the Earth so large that not even Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck combined could stop it.  Eventually the comet smashes into Earth signaling the aliens from Independence Day to descend upon the remaining humans which include Bill Pullman (not Paxton) and Will Smith, yet even if they added Tommy Lee Jones to their roster, would stand no chance against their plethora of anti-matter ray guns that would enslave the entire populous of what remains of the pitiful Earth, all governed by our new overlords the Cylons.

Then I come to my senses and brush the enumerable crumbs of chips, hot pockets, slurpee dribblings, cheesy poofs and pick up one of the many open half drunk cans of Jolt cola.  Only to realize that none of that is plausible and that the end of the world is merely a super-virus away that was transform 92.3% of the population into remnants of grey matter solely bent on feasting on the brains of those who remain unaffected due to a recessive gene that prevented us from being affected by the virus in the first place.

Tangent: what happens to zombies once they feast on all the living?  In order for them to survive they need brains, and once all the fresh ones from the meat market are gone, do they evolve into genetic engineers and start creating a new man-made zombie-made product that they can sell for $382.84 an ounce because they have a monopoly on the market?

I regress.  Even if one was to spend every moment of every lethargic and unemployed day studying the works of Max Brooks and his canonical book “The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead” (amazon link) somehow I think the practicality of the whole situation would still leave one unprepared, mind you if they were part of the genetical minority that survived the outbreak, to take on the unrelenting onslaught of living dead.

Everyone seeks some sort of purpose in life and even if that purpose eludes the social norm of a job/house/family I could not fault one for spending the hours finding ways to maintain a tip top wit about them, versed in the methods of zombie killing, both of the projectile and the blunt trauma varieties of dispatching the foul undead.

Never before has there been a better training program for the inevitable end of humanity as we know it.  Thank you Left 4 Dead 2 for such a platform to spend countless hours perfecting the hunting and gathering skills necessary for survival.  And thank you 2^nd amendment for making sure there are plenty of gun and ammo dispensaries across our great nation as we will have to find our way to some oasis of refuge where the last of humanity will seek asylum.

I am now confident that by doing the statistical odds, that there will be at least a handful of people who will have both survived the apocalyptical common cold and will be trained in the liberal arts of zombie killing, who will successfully repopulate the Earth, restoring it to the grandeur that was preordained in the classic film Idiocracy.

Whew.